Bury Your Sins Beneath the Falling Snow
by Fumiko6318
Summary: WW2 NozoEli AU. Nozomi is a shrine maiden. Eli is a political dissident/spy. This probably won't have a happy ending.
1. Chapter 1: The Foreigner

**Bury Your Sins Beneath the Falling Snow**

 **Chapter 1. The Foreigner - Tokyo, December, Shōwa 16**

The cold was already biting, but the first snows had not yet fallen. Tokyo was a land of barren trees and people bundled up in browns and blacks, trudging along through their daily routines. The lights felt dimmer than last year, and the rice thinner. It had been four years since the "China incident" started, and the land was filled with preparations for total war. Radio airwaves were taken up by martial songs and speeches from leaders. Every few weeks, soldiers marched down the avenues as planed roared overhead.

Nozomi saw the foreigner in the distance, walking up the steps leading to the shrine where she worked. It was a young man - no, it was a beautiful woman who wore the black suit and tie of a man. Her hair was a striking blonde, her eyes as blue as the morning sky. She walked up in deliberate steps, her back perfectly straight, her hands swaying by her side. She passed the last step, and gazed at Nozomi with a slight smile.

"How may I help you?", Nozomi asked without moving, assessing the foreigner wirh a sideways glance. She was a shrine maiden, and her job was to take care of any visitors, suspicious foreigners they may be. "Are you here to pray, to make an offering, or..."

"Oh, it is something else," the woman replied in perfect Japanese, her voice soft and gentle. She walked closer to Nozomi, so that their hands could touch. Nozomi had to raise her head to see the woman's face. "I came here to see you."

"Me?", Nozomi questioned. "But, why do you wish to talk to me?"

"I have been watching you for a while, Miss Tojo, and I have been fascinated with you," the woman started. "Your movements, your voice, your everything. I felt as if there was a fated connection between us. So will you not at least have a chat with me?"

Nozomi stared at the woman. Her hands let go of her broom, which fell with a clack to the ground. The broadcasts had warned her to be on alert for foreign infiltrators and spies in their midst. She had no reason to be anything but suspicious of this strange woman. But, there was still something drawing her towards the foreigner. The woman was tall and thin, her womanly body concealed within men's clothes. She smelled of expensive perfume. Her movements were all careful, deliberately drawn out. Nozomi was drawn most of all to her face. It seemed sincere, yet concealing something, hiding multitudes of feelings that Nozomi could only guess at. People were usually open books to her, but this one was different. Perhaps that was what drew Nozomi to this woman.

"I'm deeply sorry, but I have my work to do. If you come back here at seven in the evening, after dinner, I shall be waiting for you."

"Then I shall leave for now. Oh, and my name is Ayase. We will see each other again soon." The woman supposedly named Ayase turned and walked back down the long stairs. Nozomi watched her scarf fluttering and the white vapor from her breath escaping into the air. She saw the woman put her hands in her pockets. Would they really meet again? Nozomi didn't know what she wished.

"Hey, Nozomi," said a voice from behind her. Nozomi turned, and saw the familiar face of her friend Yazawa Nico. She was shorter than Nozomi, and had her hair done in childish pigtails. She had a frown on her face.

"I leave you for a second, and what do I see? I see you cavorting with some strange foreign woman. First of all, she's probably a spy. Second of all, why do you keep having these ridiculous girl crushes? You're old enough to be married already!"

Nozomi chuckled. "I could say the same for you, Nicocchi."

"Hey, don't 'Nicocchi' me! We're not in school anymore. Anyway, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I have an important broadcast today, so I won't be visiting you in the afternoon."

"Okay, Nicocchi. See you tomorrow."

"Yeah. And don't do stupid shit with that hussy!"

Nico ran through the shrine's back entrance. The two of them had been friends since they attended the same all-girl's high school. They were among the few women from their school who didn't marry soon after graduation. Both of them had "girlfriends" back then, and of course they were heartbroken when the loves they promised would last forever were inevitably ripped apart. Since they were both orphans who were adopted, they didn't face the pressure to marry that others did. If she had to marry, Nico had once said, she would marry a soldier who was going to war so that she didn't have to live with the man for a while. It was cold and heartless, but Nozomi sometimes thought the same thing.

* * *

In the afternoon, before the scheduled meeting, Nozomi listened to the radio. There was of course news of all the glorious victories in China, the victories of the German ally in Europe, the horrors committed by the Chinese Communists, and the warm welcome the Japanese soldiers had received from loyal Chinese citizens. There was also a special announcement. Japan was now in a war with the United States. The imperialist actions the Americans had taken against Japan had made this inevitable. Now it was necessary for all the Japanese people to unite behind the Emperor and defeat the foreign aggressors.

"Boring. More news? Change it to some music," another shrine maiden in the dormitory said. Nozomi ignored her.

She then listened to the children's station, because that was where Nico worked. Nico was on, telling the children about the importance of obeying their parents and the Emperor. Nozomi smiled because she knew how little of this Nico really cared about. Nico then talked about the recent start of war with the Americans, and how it was even more important to do your duty to your family and nation to make sure the sacrifices of their fathers, uncles, and older brothers would not be in vain. Then there were the skits and songs, which were what Nico really enjoyed. There was the skit with the American cat and the Japanese mouse, where the mouse used its ingenuity to trap the cat under its own greed. The songs these days were mostly military marches, telling tales of battles across the land and seas and the glories of serving the Emperor. Nico was a good singer, but Nozomi felt war marches didn't suit her. She should have been singing more happy songs.

Nozomi listened for a few more minutes, before she had to wait for the appointment. She had changed out of her shrine maiden's outfit and into her street clothes, a long purple dress and black overcoat. It was still cold outside. The streetlamps down below cast pallid circles of yellow glow. The shrine was lit with small lamps, barely enough to make out the gate and stairs.

The woman approached from a side street before climbing the stairs to the shrine. Even in the dim light Nozomi felt as if she could make out the color of her eyes. She was even more beautiful in the dark, like a princess of the night.

"Come. Let us go somewhere warmer," Ayase said with that same gentle smile, and held her gloved hand out. Nozomi took her hand, and the two descended the stairs. They boarded a crowded streetcar. She felt the gazes on her and her companion. The other woman paid them no heed, her composure statuesque. Bored, the other passengers turn away.

Nozomi was soon lost, looking at an unfamiliar part of the city. The buildings here were ornate and Western-inspired; the streets brightly lit and paved with cobblestone. The windows here were all lit, and the sidewalks lined with men in tuxedos and women in furs, as if the war had never happened.

"No need to worry," Ayase said, recognizing Nozomi's confused face. "Have you never been to Ginza before?" Nozomi shook her head. She had mostly been neglected by her adoptive parents, and it wasn't as if she had friends to go into the rich shopping districts with.

"This is not anywhere dangerous, and I will take you back to the shrine afterwards." Nozomi knew she should be scared or at least suspicious, but she couldn't be around this woman, this Ayase which probably wasn't even her real name. She had been enchanted, bewitched, the rational part of her mind told her, but she didn't care.

Somewhere they stepped off the streetcar, and entered a cafe. There were a few but not too many patrons. Ayase waved to the waitress as if they knew each other, and unwrapped her scarf. They made their way to a quiet table in the corner.

"What would you two like?", the waitress asked.

"Just a coffee for me," Ayase said. "And you?"

"I'll have the same," Nozomi said. She didn't even like coffee.

As the waitress left, Nozomi turned to Ayase and began to speak. "You seem to know so much about me, but I know nothing about you. What is your first name? Where are you from?"

Ayase laughed. "Well, it's only fair, I suppose. You can call me Ayase Eli, like I said, and I was born in Japan, but my mother was born in Russia."

"Is that really your name?", Nozomi blurted out.

Eli laughed. " It's the name my father gave me, but who knows if he really was my father." Eli had dropped to a casual tone. "They're both deceased now."

"I never knew my parents," Nozomi said. "They say my father was a soldier who was killed in China, and my mother died when I was born. I was adopted after they died." Why was she speaking so freely around this stranger?

"Oh. I'm sorry." Eli placed her hand atop Nozomi's. Her voice was soft, barely a whisper. "War really is horrible, isn't it? So many dead, and for what purpose?"

That was a risky statement, and Nozomi knew it. War was not 'horrible'. War was glorious, and her father was among the greatest of heros, having perished in service to the Emperor and the nation. Nozomi herself had performed ceremonies enshrining the dead soldiers. To question this was unspeakable. Nozomi wondered whether to admonish this woman for speaking so carelessly.

"Say... are you really Japanese?", Nozomi asked.

Eli smirked. "I'm not a foreigner, if that's what you're asking. I was born here, I have a Japanese name, and my father was Japanese. That's enough, isn't it?"

"Yes..." Nozomi said. She could hear the bitter hints of irony in the other woman's tone, but she did not question it. Their coffee had arrived, and Eli had started to drink.

"I'm sorry if my words were thoughtless," Eli said. "I spend too much time thinking about all the things happening in the world, and I sometimes wonder if humanity has a future. Did you hear the radio announcement? The world is going up in flames. There's so much madness everywhere." Eli closed her eyes for a moment, and sighed. "I'm sorry. I've said too much."

"No, it's fine," Nozomi said. "I sometimes wonder about things I hear in the radio myself. If what we're doing is so good and correct, then why are so many nations so opposed to us? Why are so many of our men dying? They say death for the Emperor is glorious, but I wish my father were still alive." Nozomi silently cursed herself. Why was she talking like this with this woman? Was she just trying to impress her? She could be arrested and questioned for criticizing the Emperor. Why did she feel so safe with Eli?

Eli smiled. "I wonder about that too. I wonder about the recent battle against America, and I worry that it may be our nation's doom. But let us get back to the here and now. Are you not enjoying your coffee?" Nozomi played with the spoon in her coffee, while Eli was already half finished.

"Um, no... I never really liked coffee," Nozomi admitted.

"Oh! I'm so sorry. We should have gone somewhere else. Next time, tell me what you would enjoy, okay?"

Nozomi smiled at the words 'next time.' "Okay," she said. "But it was wonderful just sitting here and talking to you."

"Yes. It was a pleasure being here with you, too." Eli smiled in return, and Nozomi felt herself blush.

They spent the rest of the evening talking about nothing in particular. Nozomi was just happy to be around Eli, and Eli smiled at Nozomi in turn. Still, Eli felt like a stranger to her. She truly was a stranger, of course, but there were so many topics she was avoiding, things she wasn't willing to talk about. All that simply made Nozomi more curious. She wanted to probe this woman, to understand her, to know her more deeply than anyone else.

When they left the cafe, it was already late in the night. Eli accompanied her to the streetcar, and rode with her until they were near the front of the shrine. They rode in silence, neither having much more to say. "I hope to see you again soon," Eli said. "I do as well," Nozomi replied. She waved Eli goodbye, and then returned to her dorm.

* * *

Author's notes:

Hopefully this wasn't too awkward. The dialog felt especially awkward...

I've done a little bit of reading on WW2 era Japan (wikipedia lol), but there are still going to be historical and cultural inaccuracies. Please tell me if anything is wrong. (but remember that this is a fanfiction so please don't be super pedantic) Also let me know if there are any good books or articles about this time period, nonfiction or fiction, especially ones that focus on women's lives, or on mass media/popular culture. (Especially stories by women or told from women's perspectives.)

This probably won't have a happy ending (if it will have an ending at all)


	2. Chapter 2: Love and Subversion

**Chapter 2. Love and Subversion**

It wasn't usual for Nozomi to not be the first shrine maiden to wake up. Usually she would be up at 6 in the morning, doing exercises and preparing the shrine for visitors. She was not exactly popular among her colleagues. They talked of men and marriage, of the latest fads in music and clothes. Nozomi felt they were frivolous; they felt she was strange for her interests in Western fashions and stories, not to mention her tarot. She tried to make up for her unpopularity by working harder than any of them. This didn't help her get along better with them, instead making them more resentful of her, but at least it got them off her back. Their opinion of her was inconsequential. She had the head priest's favor, which meant that she would always have a place to stay here.

Today, however, they had an excuse to torment her once again. She had returned late last night, and today it was almost eight when she awoke.

"Look, our Ms. Perfect is finally taking a break from her duties."

"She didn't return until who knows when. What could she possibly have been doing last night?"

"I heard she ran off with a foreign man."

"Wow! What a scandal! What if he turns out to be a spy?"

"I heard she's working as a 'woman of the night!'"

Nozomi made her face as impassive as possible and ignored them, as she was used to. They knew better than to make fun of her for too long, lest they catch the attention of the head priest. At least he was still on her side. After getting dressed, and eating a simple breakfast, she left the dorm and went to work. There was no time for her usual morning stretches or exercises. All the while, she thought about the woman from last night, Ayase Eli, and whether and when they would ever be able to meet again.

Eli worked as a translator for a publishing house. She had attended college, and was fluent in Russian, English, and Chinese as well as Japanese. Recently, censorship had increased, so it was hard to get business these days. Now, after war against America was declared, she was afraid that they might go out of business altogether. And then what? Would she have to work for the government, helping to fight a war that she hated? She had a sister too that she financially supported, even though they lived apart. Nozomi thought about Eli and her predicament. The woman had come from a different world from her. She was sophisticated and worldly; Nozomi was a country bumpkin compared to her. Why was she even attracted to Nozomi? Or was she attracted? Nozomi wished she had her deck of tarot cards with her. Or did she? What if the results turned out to not be what she wished?

Her thoughts were interrupted by visitors to the shrine. Groups of military leaders in uniform, praying for success in their campaigns. Young soldiers arrived, sometimes with their wives or girlfriends. There were still the usual pre-war crowd of students, businessmen, and couples, but they seemed fewer in number. Nico didn't come today; she must have been busy with her job at the propaganda department. It was a busy time for all government workers. The war needed the efforts of all the talent the nation could muster. She greeted them as she did every day, with friendly bows and smiles that seemed genuine to the men. Her job was an art like any other, and it was one she was accomplished at.

It was a cold, starless evening when Nozomi left the shrine for her daily stroll. She liked to walk around the ancient neighborhood, with its wooden houses, stalls lining the stone-paved streets too narrow for cars to pass, crowds laughing and haggling, all illuminated by the yellow glow of lamps strewn on the wires overhead. Even on the cold winter day, the streets were still filled, and noisy with music and voices. There were no real errands she had to do, so she could wander and take in the sights. She enjoyed simply watching the multitudes of people as she walked around the district. She liked to imagine their struggles, their hopes and fears, their futures. It was a game she played with herself sometimes.

Suddenly she felt a warm hand brush against hers, and take hold of it. She turned to look. It was Eli, this time wearing a blue kimono, with her hair tied up in a bun behind her head, with stray strands framing her face. She turned to look at Nozomi and smiled.

"Miss Tojo! What a happy coincidence," Eli said. "Would you mind if I accompanied you on your business?"

"Um, I don't have any business right now," Nozomi said, shyly turning her face away. "And, how did you know where to find me?"

Eli laughed. "Oh, I promise this is a coincidence! I was simply going to have dinner here."

"Then would you mind me accompanying you for dinner?", Nozomi asked.

"Of course not. It would be a pleasure."

Hand in hand, the two of them walked to a small ramen shop that Eli had known. "Hello, Mr. Hoshizora," Eli said to the owner. He only replied by grunting. The owner, this Mr. Hoshizora, was apparently another acquaintance of Eli's. How did she know so many people, Nozomi wondered. They sat on uncomfortable stools facing a small wooden counter. Eli ordered a large bowl, while Nozomi ordered nothing since she had already eaten.

"Oh, I'm sorry! If I knew you had already eaten, then we could have done something else," Eli said.

"It's not a problem! I'm just happy to be with you." Nozomi smiled at Eli, and Eli returned her smile. They were closer now, their bodies leaning against each other. Nozomi gently placed her hand on Eli's thigh, and Eli placed her hand on Nozomi's shoulder. Nozomi shivered at her touch, feeling the blood rush to her head, and the magnetism pulling them closer together. Their faces moved closer, their foreheads almost touching.

"Here's your order!" With a thud, the owner dropped the heavy bowl in front of Eli, and turned back to the kitchen. Eli pulled away, and Nozomi cursed the owner. Eli just laughed, as if saying, "maybe next time."

Now, Eli began to strike up a conversation with the owner. "Who's this girl," he asked. "That's Nozomi, my friend." Nozomi felt her heart flutter at the sound of her first name, but felt a strange unease at "friend". That was all they had to say about her. Instead, they had an inscrutable conversation, seemingly speaking in code words. "So, how progresses the project?" the owner asked. "It progresses fairly, without obstructions so far. What of our mutual acquaintances?" "Many are not doing so well." "How unfortunate. Have you spoken with the priest?"

And so the conversation went on. Nozomi felt confused, but even more jealous. Of course Eli knew other people. Of course she had secrets. This was only the third time they had talked to each other. Still, Nozomi felt jealousy at Mr. Hoshizora, a short, balding man with a gray mustache. The two of them spoke in serious tones, almost entirely ignoring Nozomi except for the slight smiles and glances Eli sometimes gave her. Nozomi wished they could have been on a date, with just the two of them, blocking out the horrors of the world surrounding them. Now, Nozomi was almost certain that Eli was involved in subversive activities. Either she was a spy, or a member of one of the banned parties. What if she were only talking to Nozomi to recruit her? Nozomi would cry if that were the case.

Still, Nozomi enjoyed simply being in Eli's presence. She enjoyed the feelings of warmth, of comfort, of safety and confidence that Eli instilled in her. This was different from being with Nico. It was different from the girlfriends she had in high school. Even though this was only the third time they had met, Eli was already special to her. She wouldn't even mind it if Eli were just using her.

"Miss Tojo, I have something to tell you," Eli said, surprising Nozomi out of her reverie.

"Yes?"

"I wasn't planning on telling you this until much later, but,..." Eli paused, and sighed.

"What were you going to tell me?", Nozomi said impatiently.

"I'm, well, I'm going to talk about the war," Eli begins in a hushed tone. "I'm going to speak of unspeakable things. Do you wish to hear what I have to say?"

"Of course I wish to." Deep inside, Nozomi was a little afraid.

"Whatever you hear, you can't repeat to anyone." Eli's expression was stern, her eys cold.

"I know." Nozomi felt as if she had passed a point of no return.

"Okay. Let us start. Have you ever heard of Nanking?"

"The former capital city of the Republic of China?", Nozomi asked. She wasn't sure where Eli was going.

"Here. Look at this." Eli pulled out an album of pictures and newspaper clippings, and opened it to show Nozomi. She almost vomited. There were pictures of stacks bodies burning, children at the tip of bayonets, and men wearing the Japanese rising sun smiling as they raped and murdered. Headlines in English deplored the atrocities and the Japanese. Tens of thousands dead, many more raped or maimed forever. Her mind was going numb at the images, and she couldn't stand to keep looking.

"This is what happened in one city in China. They call it the 'Rape of Nanking.' This is not some singular incident. It's part of the policy of war, and it will keep on happening. Innocent people are being massacred in the name of Japan." Eli's voice was quiet, but harsh. Tears began to well up in Nozomi's eyes.

"We might be able to stop this," Eli continued as she put her hand on Nozomi's shoulder.

"How?" Nozomi asked, wiping the tears with her sleeve.

"We've been trying for a long time. At first we ran in elections. We protested in the streets, went on strikes, and published our newsletters. But now there are no real elections and our parties were banned. Some of our leaders were executed and the rest are going to be in jail forever."

The owner watched and listened, sometimes staring at Eli intently. She nodded at him, and he relaxed.

"Now, we can only work in secret. We're still trying to oppose the war and protect the people, but we cannot let anyone know we exist."

"Then why have you told me all this?", Nozomi asked.

"Because I trust you," Eli said. "But more than that, I..." She paused, and took a few deep breaths. "I love you," she said in a whisper, unusually shy as she looked down.

The owner had returned to the kitchen; he didn't seem to hear. Nozomi blushed, and looked away. She tentatively reached out for Eli's hand, and held it.

"So what do you want me to do?", Nozomi whispered.

"I ... don't know."

"I'll do anything you wish." Nozomi was suprised by how assured she sounded.

"No... think about it for a while. I don't want you to be hurt, or have to hurt others." Eli looked as if she were about to cry as well. "I'll... meet you back here in two nights. And no matter what you do, I'll still love you."

Eli stood up. Nozomi followed. She stared into Eli's sky-blue eyes, now bloodshot and watery. She wrapped her arms around Eli's body, and pulled her close. They held each other for what seemed like hours in the tiny shop, just the two of them there. When they finally released each other, Eli said, "We'll see each other again here, I promise, okay?"

"Yes. I'll see you again," Nozomi said. They stared into each other's eyes, neither wanting to be the first one to break contact. It was Eli who first turned to leave. As they left the shop they hugged again, this time the quick, gentle hug of friends, and waved goodbye. The crowds seemed sparse now. Nozomi made the journey back to the shrine in silence, unable to think about anything except the feeling of Eli's body against hers.

* * *

Notes: I read through tons of papers on WW2 Japan, and still ended up just making stuff up. I hope the setting is believable at least?


	3. Chapter 3: Love and Rebellion

**Chapter 3. Love and Rebellion**

Nozomi had few thoughts on her mind apart from the meeting with Eli Ayase. Her image, her words, her smells, the feelings of her body all stayed with Nozomi for the night after they met, until the day they were to meet again. The daily routines of her work seemed so empty in comparison, as if they were a mirage, and the only real thing in her life was Eli. She still worked diligently, of course, but her heart was not in her work. Every time she saw a man in military uniform, she wondered if he had been one of the murderers. Were they truly capable of evil? Their faces were smiling, and they always treated her courteously. It was hard to imagine these men as mass killers, but the images of the soldiers in China haunted her. She questioned whether or not she could really see through the hearts of men.

"Hey, you seem distracted," Nico said. Nico had a busy couple of days at the Ministry of Communications. She had to work on how to prepare the children for the war with America. Everyone knew it was going to be a long and hard war, even if they were destined to win.

"Hmm? Am I?" Nozomi said.

"Yes! Just now! It's like those old times back in high school! Tell me, is it that woman from before?"

"What woman from before?"

"Oh come on, you know exactly who I'm talking about."

Of course Nico still knew her best. But, Nozomi couldn't bring herself to talk about her recent encounter. She knew Eli's secrets, secrets that could kill her. That placed her in a different world from her old friend. Was Nico part of the enemy now, since Nozomi committed to working with Eli's party? She didn't want that to be true. But what if it were? Who would she choose in the end? What if she really did bring destruction upon those closest to her?

"Alright, if you don't want to talk about it that's fine," Nico said after Nozomi stayed quiet, silently smiling. "Just remember that I'll try not to judge you. Oh yeah, I have to head back to work now. See you later." Nozomi waved at Nico as she walked down the stairs.

She had to do a tarot reading now. That was how she always made difficult decisions. The cards might be random, but they always helped her to understand her situation. She had waited until now to do it because she was afraid of what the cards might reveal. Now, however, her feelings were too confused, the tides of the future tearing her apart. She retreated to a secluded spot, and pulled out her deck and shuffled.

"Tell me about Ayase Eli, past, present, and future," she silently mouthed as she drew three cards from the top of her deck. The first card was the Page of Swords. It symbolized vigilance, treachery, and secrets. This would mean that Eli was someone used to working in the shadows, to hiding from authority. A spy? The second card was The Moon. It meant that there were still enemies that abound, that darkness still shrouded her. The third card was Death. Its meaning was obvious, and Nozomi's heart sank. Still, it could also be a change, a new beginning. Nozomi convinced herself that the worst was not a certainty.

Next she drew for herself, just one card this time. It was the Ten of Swords. Nozomi shivered. The card showed a man on the ground, with ten swords staking him down, piercing his body. This was not a good omen, to say the least. Next she wondered about the decision she would make. Would she join Eli's party and oppose the system that fed her? What would be the future, of herself, and perhaps of the nation, if she joined, and what if she didn't? The cards were The Devil and The Tower. So the choice was between destruction and catastrophe. Japan was doomed, and nothing she could do would save it. She was doomed. Eli was doomed. And what about Nico? She drew the Wheel of Fortune. At least Nico would be fine.

She put her cards back in their case. It would not do to continue any longer. She would have to make the decision herself, when it was time to meet Eli. Still, she felt as if fate had already made the decision for her.

The two of them had planned to meet this evening, in the same ramen shop where they met two nights ago. As the time of their meeting crawled closer, Nozomi felt her anxiety set in. Would she forget where it was? There was no real worry of that; the path to the shop was engraved in her memory. Would Eli really be there, or would the secret police have gotten to her already? And what if she was an informant for the secret police herself? Nozomi should her head that she even thought of these possibilities.

Finally it was time for her to go. She wrapped her thick scarf and descended the stairs of the shrine, then making her way to the shopping district. The crowds were thick as usual, the noises loud. Carefully she threaded her way through the masses, making sure to hide the nervousness from her face and her movements. After walking for a while she saw the sign to Mr. Hoshizora's ramen shop, and entered. Sitting there alone was Eli, in the same blue kimono, hunched over her half-empty bowl of noodles. She turned to glance at Nozomi, and faintly smiled.

"I'm glad to see you're back here, Miss Tojo."

"Just call me Nozomi."

"Then I suppose you can call me Eli."

Nozomi smiled at this exchange, but she knew that it was just a distraction from the more pressing matter at hand.

"I'll join your movement," Nozomi said, her voice suddenly confident. "I'll do anything it takes to support you... I mean, support the people and oppose the war."

Eli frowned. "Don't. I don't want you to be hurt. Think about this more carefully. Don't think only about me. Think about your friends. Think about the people of Japan, and the peoples of the world. Do you think it will really turn out well?"

Nozomi thought back to her reading of tarot cards. She knew it would not turn out well, no matter which choice she made. It was already written in the stars. Both of them faced ruin at best, and death at worst. Japan would be destroyed, no matter what she chose. Eli had told her to think of the people, but she could only think of Eli.

"I care about the people, and I care about you too. I've made my decision."

Eli shook her head. "You might get hurt, or worse."

"I'm okay with that."

"You might harm other people you care about."

"There is no one I care about more than you."

Eli turned from Nozomi and let out a deep breath. It was as if she was a completely different person from just two nights ago. It was as if their roles had switched. In the presence of this woman, Nozomi had cast aside the doubts she had earlier. She was committed to whatever it was Eli had planned, even if Eli herself was now wavering.

"Are you losing your confidence?", Nozomi asked.

"No..." Eli sighed. "Did I really seem confident before? Well, that was all an act. In reality I have no idea what I'm doing. I ended up in something larger than myself, and now I can't stop. There are people depending on me. If I stop, I'll probably be sacrificed to save more valuable assets. If I keep going, I'll probably be discovered and killed. What's the use of any of this? God, why did I even try to recruit you in the first place? Sorry." She rested her head on her arm and shook her head.

Nozomi simply nodded. "Did something happen in the last few days?"

Eli turned to look at Nozomi again. "A few people I've been in contact with have disappeared. It's only going to get worse as the war goes on. If you do this, we'll probably both be ruined."

"And if I don't?"

"Then only I will be ruined."

"Then let us face ruin together."

"You're insane, Nozomi. You're even worse than I predicted."

"It's fate. There's no fighting it." She placed her hands on Eli's, and kissed her on the cheek. Eli turned away, but did not move her hand. She started to cry.

"You don't even know what you're getting into. Which foreign powers am I working for? Which political party was I a part of? What acts of treason have I committed already? I'm a traitor! Don't you know that?"

Nozomi wrapped her arms around Eli's waist. "I think I can guess. And I don't mind. Isn't that what's necessary to stop the war?"

"The war won't stop. It will only end in Japan's destruction. And I'm working only to hasten that destruction."

The two of them sat in silence for a moment that seemed to stretched forth into eternity. They sat with their faces touching each other, holding hands under the counter, Nozomi gently stroking Eli's hair. She closed her eyes, and let her tactile sense take over. There was no war, no espionage or sabotage or treason. There was only Eli and her, sitting in the decrepit little shop. They spoke no words, and the crowds outside were thinning. It was quiet. The silence was only broken when the shop owner returned, moving to the kitchen without giving the two women a single glance.

"So, what would your first mission for me be?", Nozomi asked.

Eli had a forlorn expression, as if she were about to cry once more. That only lasted for a moment before it changed to an expression of determination. She stared into Nozomi's eyes, as if watching for any sign of hesitation or weakness. When she saw that there were none, she began to speak.

"I'll give you an address. Be there next Sunday at noon, and we'll discuss our plans." She told Nozomi the address, one in a working-class neighborhood quite a ways away. The two of them separated with kisses on the cheeks.

Destruction. Nozomi mulled that word in her head. Everything would be destroyed. The passage of time erases all things. She thought of Eli, and imagined her as a deity of death. She was in love with Eli, that was true. She would follow her to the ends of the earth, to her own demise. Fate had guided her here to this moment. Nothing else was real in this world.

* * *

 **Notes** : I literally learned tarot just for this chapter, and now I'm buying a tarot deck. Thanks Nozomi! Also I had to stop because it was too hard to think of meaningful cards to use.


	4. Chapter 4: Love and Friendship

**Chapter 4. Love and Friendship**

Nozomi found it harder to keep up her fake smiles in front of the shrine's visitors. The military and government men were her enemies now, she thought. She was betraying them, betraying the country where she was born. And for what? To save the lives of some strangers? She thought of the pictures, the articles, the official and unofficial reports from the war Eli had shown her. The war was horrible, of course, but was that really why she would fight the Empire? No. It was for Eli. When Nozomi thought of the woman, the doubts in her mind dissipated. When she thought of her, she felt as if she could do anything, as if she could really save the world, as if they would never be caught and live together forever. That was all a fantasy, of course. Reality had no happy endings in store for her. That what the cards and her own intuition had told her. But so what? She was intoxicated with Eli. Every moment she spent with her felt like an eternity. She wished the moments would go on for as long as the world would allow.

She even started to feel awkward around her old friend Nico. "Ah, I've been so tired lately," Nico said to her one afternoon. "The work is getting piled on by the ministry. They're a bunch of intellectuals over there, so of course they have to make us propagate their dumb ideas. Do you know how ridiculous all of their ideas are? I think all we need is for the kids to know to obey the Emperor and that'll be enough. But who would listen to me?"

"Yes. Of course." Nozomi said distractedly.  
"Your job must be hard."

"Yeah. We all wish we could take it easy like you."

Nozomi smiled at her old friend. "My job is harder than you think."

"Whatever. Hey, do you want to go out for lunch with me?"

"Sure. Where do you want to go?"

"Just somewhere in the neighborhood."

With that they left to go to the old shopping district. Nico let Nozomi lead the way, as they usually did. Nozomi was careful not to retrace the steps she took with Eli, careful to avoid the ramen store where they met. She felt sorry for Nico, sorry that she was being unfair toward her old friend. She felt that she was abandoning Nico for the new woman, even though their relationships were completely different. Nozomi wondered if someday, she would be forced to choose between the two of them. After all, Eli worked directly to undermine the government that Nico worked for. Still, she tried to hide her mush of feelings.

They ended up at a small udon stand in a secluded corner. There were few people in this corner of the district. The best part about these kinds of places was that they were cheap and had few patrons. As soon as they sat down, Nico started talking.

"Did you know that they're giving me fan mail now? I mean, I can't believe it! I have real life fans!"

"I'll always be your fan."

"Hey! You don't count since that's what you always say. So anyway, so apparently I might be going on tour to some schools. Can you believe it? It's like my dreams are coming true! I'll be, what do you call it, a school idol now!"

"Yes. Congratulations, Nicocchi."

"Sure, thanks. So anyway, now it's time for me to complain about all the horrible guys at work. Have I ever told you about Sato? That was the horrible guy that once tried to grab my butt. So yesterday we had to discuss the plans for the broadcast, and..."

Nozomi listened to her friend hurl invectives at her colleagues as she slurped her noodles, and smiled. Nico always loved to complain on and on about what jerks her coworkers were. To be fair to her, being a single woman at one of the high - level government agencies was always going to be horrible.

"Enough about me. How have you been doing?" Nico had finished her tirade.

"Me?"

"Yes, you. How far have you gotten with that woman?"

"W-What do you mean?" Nozomi felt as if she blushed. She sipped the salty broth nervously as she glanced at the table.

"Oh, of course you know who I'm talking about. That foreign woman."

"Oh. Haha. Didn't you call her a hussy before?" Nozomi chuckled, but still looked away. "Um, well, I wouldn't say we're together exactly..." She wished she could have been more discreet.

"Then what are you waiting for? You like her, right? And she's all beautiful and stuff and she probably likes you too." Nico always insulted Nozomi's girlfriends at first, but she warmed up to them eventually.

"Um, it's really complicated..." Nozomi didn't think she could tell even her best friend how complicated it was.

"Well, whatever. I still think I'm going to find a husband, but of course all the men I ever talk to are losers or jerks. It's not that I can't stand any of them, but honestly I'd rather just be with you."

"Is that a proposal?", Nozomi teased.

"No!" Nico shouted a bit too loudly. "But honestly, would it really be so bad? It's not like I have *feeling* feelings for you, but it would be nice to live together or something."

"I wonder." Both of them had finished their noodle soup, and had stood up to leave.

"Well, I'm off," Nico called out to her with a wave. "My sisters are waiting for me. See you soon."

"Yes. Goodbye for now." With that, Nozomi started to make her way back to the shrine. She was glad to have Nico as a friend, and tried to forget that her secrets could destroy what they had.

Officially she didn't have to work on the weekends, but she was used to working whenever she was needed. After returning to the shrine, she found that she was the only girl there. That wasn't unusual on weekends. She changed and returned to the entrance, waiting to greet any new visitors.

A woman in a white flower print kimono appeared, walking up the steps. Her face was wrinkled, but there were still traces of the beauty she must have had. Her expression was blank, her back perfectly straight.

"Hello, ma'am. what are you here for today?"

"Your father is being deployed to the front against America," the woman said in a flat tone.

"Oh. Thank you for the news," Nozomi replied in kind. "Do you wish to send prayers to him?"

"You've hardly changed."

"I am sorry to disappoint you."

"We raised you, we fed you and clothed you and this is how you repay us?"

"I didn't realize that your kindness was a loan to be repaid."

"Why are you like this to us? Why do you hate me?"

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Is it because you resent being adopted? Is it because you wish for your 'real' parents?

No. It was because her adoptive parents never spoke a single kind word to her, acted as if she didn't exist except when they wanted something from her, berated her when she did poorly and degraded her when she did well. Not to mention the constant scolding from mother and the beatings from father. Nozomi stayed silent, and waited for the tirade that was to come.

"You know your 'real' father? You know how he really died? There was no war in China back then, save for some peasant bandits. Your 'father' died in a bar fight with his fellow soldiers! You know your 'real' mother? She was nothing but a lowly prostitute. You are the child of a drunkard and a whore. Be grateful that we swept you up from the gutter."

"I am grateful." Nozomi had heard this speech time and time again.

"Good. Now let us pray for your father's good health."

Her adoptive father was a distant cousin of the prime minister, close enough to earn resentment but not close enough to benefit from nepotism. He was only a major at age 44. Even he did not know where he would be deployed to, except that it was an island in the Pacific. Nozomi performed the prayers with just enough sincerity to appease her mother. She left without further words.

There were other visitors to the shrine today. Many of them were soldiers or their wives or children. Some of them spoke of places with strange names, places far away. There they would make a stand against the Americans, to hold them off long enough to force them into surrender, or maybe eventually arrive at America itself. Some of them talked of visiting Hawaii or even San Francisco. Nozomi wondered if Eli like to hear all the stories that she was being told. Would that information be useful for the enemies of Japan?

She would have to ask at their meeting tomorrow. Yes. Their meeting, which she had waited for with anticipation and trepidation. She had memorized the address and gone to the station to memorize the tram routes. She looked forward to seeing Eli's face again, to kissing her, to touching her. Were they lovers now? She wondered if Eli had other lovers, if perhaps she had an entire coterie of women and men that she seduced to participate in her espionage. She brushed aside that jealous thought; so what if it were true? Eli was precious to her nonetheless, no matter what she did.

The rest of the day went by slowly, almost agonizingly so. The evening came when the shrine maidens were to eat together at a big table. Nozomi mentioned that she would be away tomorrow. There was little reaction from the others.

Nozomi could not sleep well that night. She thought of the tram routes and of Eli and of war and her fathers and mothers and the tiny islands in the Pacific where her second father might die. Thoughts jumbled together in her mind; she could hardly believe any of it was real. Everything was becoming so confusing.

* * *

Notes: Thanks to everyone for reading! It makes me feel really good that some people apparently like this, you don't even know.

I noticed that I made a historical boo-boo in the first chapter, and sort of corrected it here. Did anyone notice?

Also sorry but this chapter feels like filler and it feels like the story is going really slowly. I probably won't update for a while because of irl stuff


	5. Chapter 5: Love and Secrets

**Chapter 5. Love and Secrets**

Nozomi prepared to leave an hour before their appointed meeting time. It was an unfamiliar place, and she was not used to taking the Tokyo streetcars. She was also afraid to ask anyone for help; perhaps the meeting place was a secret, and she and maybe even Eli could be discovered if she spoke of it to anyone. Maybe it was a test for her, Nozomi imagined. Maybe Eli wanted to know how seriously she was committed, and whether she had the most basic skills. How ironic would it be if she were to get lost on this simple trip.

She wore dull clothes: a thick skirt, a gray coat over her purple sweater, a black knitted wool scarf. She must have looked like an old lady (all the better to hide from the secret police, she supposed). The meeting place was near the port, with two changes of streetcars needed. Nozomi had never been there, but she had heard of the neighborhood. It was a district filled with those who worked in the docks and factories by the coast, coarse men and their country-born wives, a place of drunken brawls and unsolved murders. It would be an easy place to hide, or to disappear.

Nozomi rode the streetcars in silence, watching her breath fog on the windows. She watched the splendor of the city center gradually disappear, replaced by narrow streets and mazes of densely packed low-slung wooden houses. The trip was easier than she had feared. There were few passengers at this hour, early on Sunday, and the trams were on time. After she got off at her last stop, she still had a ways to walk. The meeting place was within one of the dense blocks of houses, where cars could hardly enter. Here, the houses seemed more like shacks or hovels. Fifty years ago this would have been a village with rice fields; the city had grown like a fire, consuming all that surrounded it.

"Miss Tojo?" The girl's voice made Nozomi jump. She was a high school student, it seemed, still in uniform on a Sunday. "I recognized you by a drawing," she said as if anticipating Nozomi's question.

"Miss Ayase asked me to deliver it to you today," the girl continued. "She was unable to come, but she asked me to tell you of your next rendezvous with her. Follow me."

Nozomi eyed the girl cautiously. She had a soft voice and a calm demeanor, and spoke formally. She seemed trustworthy, but why was Eli working with high school girls? The girl had turned around, and Nozomi was following her through the narrow paths. She could easily have gotten lost without the girl, with all the turns they were making.

"You can call me Fumiko," the girl said, her voice flat and businesslike. "Her sister is my close friend, and Miss Ayase is like a big sister to me. So what is you relation to her?"

Nozomi thought for a moment before speaking. "I am a new friend of hers."

"Oh? She seemed quite enamored of you. From the portrait she drew I had thought you would be a little more... striking." Eli drew portraits? That was something new. Now Nozomi was curious to see the picture Eli had of her.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you. I really don't know what she sees in me."

"Yes... Now here we are." Fumiko pointed to a house that looked no different from all the others. She unlocked the door, and invited Nozomi inside.

"Would you like some tea?" Fumiko asked.

"Okay, thank you."

While the pot of water was boiling, Fumiko went to a room in the back of the house. She emerged with a filled messenger bag.

"After we are done here, take this to Miss Ayase. Do not let anyone else open it."

As Fumiko went to the kitchen, Nozomi looked around the house. It seemed nicer from the inside. The walls were plastered white, with scrolls of calligraphy hanging down. The floors were swept clean. This didn't seem to be the girl's house, and Nozomi wondered if anyone lived in here. It must have been one of the "safehouses" that they always talked about in the spy novels.

"How did you get involved in this business?" Nozomi asked as the girl returned with the tea.

"Do you think I'm too young to understand what I'm doing?" The girl's expression was as implacable as ever, her voice not betraying any anger.

"No... I'm just curious."

The girl just sighed. "How did you come to be in this business, Miss Tojo?"

Obviously she couldn't say that it was because she fell in love with Eli. "I have my reasons, "she said with a cryptic smile.

"I see," Fumiko said, and they finished their tea in silence. Everyone had their secrets.

"I'll walk you back to the tram stop," the girl told Nozomi. "Miss Ayase is waiting for you at her apartment. She told me to give you the address. Here." She handed Nozomi a slip of paper, and opened the door.

They left, and walked in silence through the maze of narrow paths, Nozomi slinging the bag across her shoulder. When they arrived at the tram stop, Fumiko left her with a wave. "I hope to see you again," the girl said as she turned to leave.

Now, Nozomi had to get to Eli's apartment. It wasn't too far from the shrine, close enough that she could first get to the shrine and then walk there. The trams were a bit more crowded now that it was midday. Nozomi did her best to hide herself and look inconspicuous. She wondered about the secret police: were any of them watching her? She watched the passengers, and failed to notice anyone suspicious. That of course didn't mean that there wasn't anyone watching her.

By the time she got to Eli's apartment, she was already a bit hungry, but she held on, wanting to make the rendezvous as soon as possible. The apartment was in a white stone building with an ornate facade, overlooking a broad avenue. The wooden front doors were locked. Nozomi knocked, but there was no reply. Soon, though, the door opened, and a girl emerged. She had blonde hair and blue eyes, like Eli.

"You must be Nozomi. Come in, my sister is waiting for you. I'm Alisa. Nice to finally meet you." She led Nozomi along several winding flights of stairs before arriving at their apartment. Eli was there, wearing just her pajamas, standing at a kitchen table.

"It's warm here. You can take off your coat." Eli stared into Nozomi's eyes, smiling gently. Nozomi couldn't help but stare back, transfixed.

"Yes... Thank you," Nozomi replied hesitantly, handing her coat to Eli's sister.

"Sit down. You must be hungry." Nozomi took off her shoes and sat at the Western-style dinner table. Eli and her sister carried bowls out of the kitchen filled with some unfamiliar soup. They sat down next to her and started to eat.

"Does it taste strange? It's a Russian specialty."

"No, it's quite delicious."

After the meal, Alisa was going to take a nap, so Eli and Nozomi had the opportunity to talk. Eli led her into her bedroom.

"Did you meet her?", Eli asked.

"Yes, I did. She told me to give this to you." Nozomi handed the bag of documents to Eli.

"Fumiko is a nice girl. It's too bad she is caught up in ... this," Eli muttered. "Were you curious about what was inside?"

Nozomi shook her head. "I was too afraid of being caught to think about that."

Eli smiled. "Unlike me, you can go outside without everyone turning their heads."

"But what were the documents?"

"Oh, nothing too important. Maybe it's better if you didn't know."

"Why? Don't you trust me?" Nozomi pouted, trying to conceal her annoyance with playfulness.

"Honestly? It's because if they catch you, they can use any information you know against you, and against me. We have to be careful."

"So what will we do next?", Nozomi asked.

"We lay low until my contacts give me another assignment. Meanwhile I need you to be my eyes and ears in the world. I need you to listen to all the people who come to the shrine, to understand the hearts and minds of the country. We don't just need to know their war plans, but remember if they let anything slip. Listen to their fears and worries, their hopes and goals. Whenever we are able to meet again, tell me what you have heard."

Nozomi took hold of Eli's hand. "Whenever we are able? Why do you say that?"

Eli sighed. "I don't know. I'm not suppposed to be like this. I'm just so frightened right now, and..."

"Don't worry. We'll get through this together." Her words sounded hollow. Perhaps Eli noticed; perhaps she did not.

"Yes, I suppose." Eli looked at Nozomi. "Will you do this for me, then?"

"Yes, I will." Nozomi smiled, and drew Eli closer to her body. She looked into Eli's sky-blue eyes. They were like mirrors, glistening with reflections of the secrets each of them had kept. They kissed, and Nozomi drew closer still, until their bodies were as one. Nozomi moved her hands up from Eli's waist, until she reached her collar button.

"No! Don't get too close to me!" Eli pushed Nozomi away, the latter drawing back in surprise. "Sorry," she said after a moment of calm.

"No, I should be sorry," Nozomi said. "I should have known..."

"No, I love you... It's just..."

"Whatever it is, it's fine." Nozomi smiled, and held Eli's hands. "We're together now, right?"

"Right..." Tears formed in Eli's eyes. Nozomi wiped them away with her hands. For countless moments they did nothing but hold each other, feeling the gentle sway of their breathing? their heartbeats.

"Is it okay if we never see each other again?", Eli whispered.

Nozomi shook her head. "Of course it's not okay. But that's why we must treasure each moment we have."

"I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. And I'm scared for you." Eli buried her face in Nozomi's chest.

"I know. That's why we have to be careful."

"You're already better at this than I am."

"Thanks." Nozomi felt a little pride. She was used to secrets, used to hiding her true self to the world. The only difference was that the stakes were higher now.

The sky was getting dark when Nozomi returned to her shrine. "You smell different," one of the girls commented. Nozomi shrugged. Eli wore perfume. She would have to remember to wash it off. She had to be entirely inconspicuous, to blend in as she did before, to be calm, to show nothing of the torrents of emotion that raged within her. She had to be an invisible observer, watching and listening without any notice. It was time for her to begin.

* * *

Notes:

Sorry. It's been a long time but I think I want to finish this story. Hopefully.


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